A LOT of assorted jokes King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest etc but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife Mrs Arthur. (Ok, not original but it`ll do) He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just the thing. (Fnar Fnar!) "I have just the thing" said Merlin Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs A could command it quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the comand magic `penis my cunt' and it would satisfy her every need until she gave the comand `majic peis stop'. Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithfull. Back at the castle Mrs A was feeling a little horny. She decided the magic penis would be just the thing (fnar fnar!) and retired to her chamber for a monster diddle. All went well and rgasmafter orgasm passed for what must have been hours. By this time Mrs A was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble. Unfortunately thru all that passion she had forgotten the command to call off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn`t get it right. In sheer desparation she prised it from her but still it would not stop and tried desterately to re-insert itself. Mrs A ran, down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate persued by the crased vibro. As she passed the gate a gaurd shouted to her why she was in such a rush. "Im being chased by a magic penis" she replied "Magic penis my arse..." said the gaurd "uuuuugh !" ******************************************************************************** A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" a voice answers: "A blind man". The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says: "Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?" ******************************************************************************** Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Sais the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the sh*t out of college kids!" ******************************************************************************** Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport? A. Feels on Wheels ! ******************************************************************************** A man walks into a jewlers, unzips his trousers, and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands on this," replies the man. ******************************************************************************** Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. ******************************************************************************** Entry in young woman's diary : Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part! ******************************************************************************** Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd? A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it. Q: What's got four legs and one arm ? A: A Rotwieller. ******************************************************************************** Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty-year old daughter had hitch-hiked, all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. -"For Gods sake !", he screamed,"someone could have attacked you and raped you!!!" -"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down,"As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because that's where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases." ******************************************************************************** One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel,dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" He replys "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the key doesn't work). To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says "But shes got to have active Herpies." The Madam replys "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face,still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?". "Well,it's like this",he says "When I get home tonight I f*ck the baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work,the milkman will come round, f*ck my mother and he'll get it." AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!! ******************************************************************************** What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?. Fucks funny!. Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? He got 16 months Q what do you call grit in a condom A An organ grinder!. Q Whats green and eats nuts A Herpes!. Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it got pissed off. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year! ******************************************************************************** Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar Vicar: Rectum, Tommy Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar! ******************************************************************************** A kid goes up to his father. "Dad, what's the difference between "essence" and "reality"? The father thinks for a moment. "Son, you go up to both your mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars." The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later. "They both said yes" he tells his father. "I will now explain to you the difference between "essence" and "reality" " says the father. "In essence, we are sitting on two million dollars, but in reality you have two whores for a mother and sister." ******************************************************************************** Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts to my birthday? A: Because you have cancer, son. ******************************************************************************** On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is ?" He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her. "Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a d*ck, but much smaller." ******************************************************************************** "I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time." "Hey, that's great." "Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old." ******************************************************************************** John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head kidnappers. He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been waiting for him all this time, and they prepare for their first bonk for 5 years. "John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so if there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or anything, just say and I'll do it." "Well there are two things..." "Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be OK." "First, I want to take you from behind... doggy style... up the arse." She pales slightly, swallows and says: "Well, OK then, we can do that if that's what you want. What's the second thing?" "And can I call you Terry?" ******************************************************************************** The waitress wants to deposit 10 dollars on her bank-account. "I'm sorry ma'm", the cashier says,"but I'm afraid this bank-note is false." "Auh!", she yells, "that means I was raped." ******************************************************************************** Q. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? A. They are both fucking close to water! ******************************************************************************** Once upon a time 7 dwarves were knocking on a nun monasterys gates and demanding entrance. Soon afterwards they were let inside and led to monastery's leader. She was a tough nun and asked the dwarfs: -Well, what do you want? So Shy asked shyly: -Do you have a nun less than a meter tall? The nun pondered the question for a while and replied negatively. After the 7 dwarves had heard the answer they bursted into laughter and started shouting: -Shy has fucked a penquin! Shy has fucked a penquin! ******************************************************************************** Q: What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John? A: They have both been fucked by Mercury. ******************************************************************************** There are three people in a pub. Two of them do talk together. They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding. The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I fuck (I translate as best as possible !) only once every month"... Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true. In my case it's only once every other month". Then both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw. "Once every six monthes" says the fellow. "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy ?" And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!" ******************************************************************************** Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a windsurfer having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water. They both watched the surfer go up and down while he was crying out for help. When he sank for the final time Vera ordered Carl to dive for the man. After some discussion Carl gave up and dived to the bottom of the lake, pulled the man up on the lakeside. Vera looked at the guy and found out that he wasn't breathing. This time Vera ordered Carl to give mouth to mouth. Carl knew what he had to do and started up. After the first blow of air in the drowned guys mouth he suddenly pulled his head back while shouting out : "Oh my God, this guy smells horrible". Vera first looked at Carl then at the drowned guy and replied : "Carl - I'm sorry to say - I don't think this is the right guy, this one wear skates !!!!!!" ******************************************************************************** A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes the zipper. The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man. Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing. After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?" "Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm." "But that's awfull! What do you take for it?" "Pepper." Answers the man. ******************************************************************************** Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones". Wife: No, I can't marry anyone after You. Johnson:But I want you to. Wife: But why? Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal! ******************************************************************************** Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the maddame. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is chineese and doesn't know a word of english. "I'll take her." He sais desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic etc, so he continues unpreturbed. The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chineese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found chineese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclames, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" ******************************************************************************** A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?" ******************************************************************************** Did you hear about the man who went into a crematorium collecting ashes to sell to cannibals as Ready Brek. ******************************************************************************** A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final ultimatum from Farmer Buck. "Now, me son - we've had our differences, and we've argued. You know I think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think worse. Now I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing right. I'm giving these two fine, fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em to market tomorrow. You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and bring all of it home to me. See how simple it is? Two ducks, five bucks. OK?" Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns. About 11am, Farmer Jim throws Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches off. It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue - and Naughty Jen the milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her dress up above her knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so attractive any more.... But Jen's a mercenary sort, and when it gets down to the bodice and knickers, she says: "Stop right there, young Jack, unless you got a present for me!" Johhny's straining at the fly about now, so all his owner can do is grunt: "got two ducks in me bag, OK?" She considers. "Oh, alright!" and they set to. After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen stirs Johnny from his rest. "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it then". Johnny stirs. "Shall we say the ducks come back, then, Jen?" Mesmerised by the sight of Johnny rising, she eagerly agrees. Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes. "Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, duck bag banging his leg, belt al undone. Of course, he was too late for market, and his brothers pass him coming back in their cart, smirking as they riffle their wads of bills. Drearily he turns about, and shuffles home. He's moping along,swinging his bag of ducks fore emphasis as he practices what he is going to say to his father, when a carriage thunders around the bend behind him. He gets such a fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the ditch. As he surfaces, spitting weed, he sees an elderly woman, all distraught, berating her driver. "Are you alright, my good man? My idiot of a driver goes much too fast for these lanes. Is this your sack?" Johnny scents a good thing. "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is alright". Of course the ducks are squashed beyond repair, and Johnny has an enjoyable few minutes shedding a tear over his prides-and-joys, until the old woman eventually gives him fifty dollars, and drives off, leaving Johnny with the two squashed ducks. Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his brothers smirk, at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks. "You useless litle bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the simplest thing? Five bucks for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have you got? Still two ducks, I see, and that means no money! I ought to...." His father tails off as he says Johnny's quiet smile, and his upraised hand. "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks? Here, here's five - and forty-five for meself, and the ducks back! And you want to know how it was done? Simple. Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks, fifty bucks for two fucked ducks, now fuck you, Buck!" And he walked off with the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into an encore... ******************************************************************************** Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common? A. They are both fun to ride until you friends see you. ******************************************************************************** Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car? Neither has he. ******************************************************************************** I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it... Underneath someone had scrawled... '.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' ******************************************************************************** Whats yellow and hates liver ? Ben Hardwick. Whats the difference between Ben Hardwick and Leone Keating ? Ben Hardwick died a virgin. ******************************************************************************** Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Bestiality and Necrophilia? He gave it up. It was beating a dead horse. ******************************************************************************** Q: What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common? A: They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen! ******************************************************************************** An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repy this the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. Afterall, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes. After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and said, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutured?" ******************************************************************************** A man took his girlfriend to see the doctor because she had been suffering chest pains. The doctor examined her and then asked her to step outside while he spoke to her boyfriend alone. doc - Well sir, your girlfriend has acute angina. man - Yeah! And her tits are pretty good as well! ******************************************************************************** Why are camels called ships of the desert? Because they are filled with Arab semen! ******************************************************************************** This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" ******************************************************************************** On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away. As they reach the gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out front waiting for them, shaking his head. As they approach, St. Peter tells them, "Ladies, I'm sorry, but there just isn't room for both of you in heaven right now, so I will only be able to take one of you. Seeing as you have both lived good lives and seem equally fit to enter the kingdom, you will have to tell me something that's special about you." Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands. "Well," she says, "I've got THESE..." St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good. Very good indeed. But let's see what Princess Di has to offer." Princess Di just stands there, "I don't think there's anything special about me. I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of England..." St. Peter shakes his head, "That's just not going to do it. Isn't there anything else?" Di thinks for a minute and answers, "Well....I douche once a week...." St. Peter's eyes light up, "Princess Di...Go right on in..." Dolly Parton looks at St. Peter, pushes her breasts forward and says, "But what about THESE?" And he says, "It's beyond my control. Everybody knows that a Royal Flush beats a Pair any day!" ******************************************************************************** A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?" ******************************************************************************** What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor blade? Still no bloody idea What do you call a deer with no feet, legs, torso, neck, or head? A hat rack What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye deer... What do you call that kind of a deer with no chance of going to heaven? Still no f*cking goddamned idea. ******************************************************************************** A blind man was walking down the street when a dog comes up and pisses on his leg. Anyway, he proceeds to get a biscuit out of his pocket and feed it to the dog. A man waiting at a nearby bus queue has watched this incident and goes over to the blind man and says "I can't believe you're giving the dog a treat after he's just pissed all down your leg". The blind man replies "I'm not, I'm giving him the biscuit so I can judge where his mouth his". "What for ?" says the bystander. The blind man replies "Well now that I know where his mouth is I can give him a good f**king kick in the b*ll*cks !". ******************************************************************************** A man had been jogging down a stretch of beach for years when one day he noticed a woman with no arms or legs sunning herself on a beach towel in the morning air. He stopped and talked to her for a few minutes and then began to go on his way. For many months this man continues to jog down the same route and every morning he saw the same woman with no arms or legs, so her appearance onthe beach was not abnormal to him. One day he was jogging down the beach and he saw the same woman crying. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? Why are you crying?' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been hugged before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, gave her a BIIIG hug, and then went on his way down the beach. The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman crying even harder this time. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? What are you crying about this time?' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, gave her a BIIIG kiss, and then went on his way down the beach. The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman just bawling hewre eyes out!. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'Geez lady, what's the matter this time? Why are you bawling?!?!' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been fu**ed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, looked into here eyes, and then tossed her into the surf! He looked out at the ocean and screamed, 'Well you're fu**ed NOW!!!' ******************************************************************************** While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on". ******************************************************************************** Four sisters in a church are going to confess. the first of them confess to the prayer that she had touch the sexual parties of a man with her right hand. So the prayer get red cheeks and tell her to wash her right hand in the holy water and to pray fifty times. Then the second sister come in the confessional and says to the father : I'm soory father, but i think i made a little mistake because i have had a man'sex in my left hand. The prayer becomes angry and tell her : You have to wash your left hand in the holy water and then pray at least 100 times for Mary. Then the fourth sister says to the third : Please let me go before you, because i don't want to wash my mouth in the water after you had wash your ass in it. ******************************************************************************** A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were at the doctors office for some prenatal care. The brunette says that her mother has a theory for predicting the sex of a baby....it depends on the "position" they were in. The brunette says, "based on my mothers theory, since I was on top, my baby is going to be a girl". The redhead says, "well then, mine is going to be a boy since my husband was on top". By this time, the blonde was crying hysterically. The other two as what's wrong and the blonde responds, "I'mmmmm gooooinnnnng to havvve puppp.pp..ppp..ies!!!" ******************************************************************************** What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *EAT*! ******************************************************************************** Why is a pool table green ? Well, if someone racked your balls, you'd be green too. ******************************************************************************** Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for the price. This frog is worth $4000, madam. WHAT ? why is it so expensive ? Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus. I see... I'll take it. takes frog home, showers, puts silk gown, perfume, opens box on bed. frog doesn't perform, she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, shopowner sees the problem, tells the frog : All right now, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you !!! ******************************************************************************** Q. Whats the ultimate in rejection? A. When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep. ******************************************************************************** Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I've got two cocks and the one on the right is sore from w*nking all the time. Doctor : Pull the other one. ******************************************************************************** Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I dont relly think that your wife Minnie having bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I sid she was f*cking goofy ******************************************************************************** A man entered a dog at crufts and got six months. ******************************************************************************** A little girl was told off for wetting herself in class. "Why didn't you put your hand up", asked the teacher? "I did, but it kept running out" ******************************************************************************** The grand old duke of York, he had ten thousand men. His case comes up next week. ******************************************************************************** Q. Whats the connection between a soya been and a vibrator? A. Both are meat substitutes ******************************************************************************** Q. Whats the largest drawback in the jungle? A. An elephants foreskin ******************************************************************************** Q. What do a walrus and a tupperware box have in common? A. both like a tight seal. ******************************************************************************** Three men are at the local races and are wondering what number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the loo and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together and that would be the number horse they would bet on. Deciding that this was a brilliant idea the took of to the loo. Inside, the first man says "Mines 6 inches", the second man says "Mines 4 inches, so that totals 10" and the third guy says "Mines 2 inches so that brings the total to 12". So out they race and put all there money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in in front of all the rest. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money. While thinking the first man says "mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%". Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says "I should get it all". The other two look at each other and say "Why?", to which the third man says "If I didn't have a hard-on it would only have been 1 inch in which you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything". ******************************************************************************** A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the woman comes in limp but happy and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle, the therapist says she doesn't know it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a per- son. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office. Six months later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why,yes, young man, I did.Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty,kitty......." ******************************************************************************** A mouse was walking through the jungle when he hears a voice crying out "help, help!" Upon looking around, he sees an elephant stuck in a mudhole, unable to move. "Please help me" cried the elephant. The mouse thinks for a minute, runs off and returns shortly there- after behind the wheel of a mercedes. He backs the mercedes up to the mudhole, the elephant grabs hold of the bumper, the mouse floors the accelerator, and the elephant is slowly pulled from the mudhole and rescued. A couple of weeks later, the elephant is meandering through the jungle when he hears a feeble "help! help!". He finds the mouse stuck in the very same mudhole! "Help me, Mr. Elephant! Run and get your mercedes so that you can rescue me!" The elephant replies that he doesn't have a mercedes and thinks and thinks and thinks.... Finally, he straddles the mudhole, and slowly lets down his penis, inch by inch, until the mouse is able to reach it. Thus the mouse was saved by climbing up the elephant's penis. The moral of the story? You don't need a mercedes if you have a big dick! ******************************************************************************** So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Johnny," she says. Johnny says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that Carl has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Carl?" she says. Carl says, "Th'other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model-car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."" ******************************************************************************** While traveling at night through a wooded area,Craig's car died and after several hours of walking he happened upon a farm. He asked the farm's owner if he could spend the night and find a tow truck in the morning. The farmer agrees and tells him that the only bedroom available is his daughter's and he could stay there if he promised not to touch her. Craig agrees and the farmer leads him to the bedroom. While in the bedroom, Craig finds the farmer's daughter already asleep and thinks she's incredibly beautiful but remembers his promise to the farmer. Later, he decides that one kiss couldn't hurt, so he leans over, kisses her, and gets a mouth full of white rice. "Yuck,"he thinks to himself,"I hate white rice." The next morning, Craig tries to get a tow truck, but because of the location,no one wants to assist him so he has to stay at the farmer's house a few more days. That night,Craig sees the farmer's daughter leans over kisses her and gets a mouth full white rice."Yuck,"he thinks to himself,"I hate white rice!"This continues for two more days. On the fifth day, Craig finally finds a tow truck company to haul his car and as he's leaving he turns to the farmer and says,"I know I promised not to touch your daughter, but I found her so incredibly beautiful I had to kiss her. Could you please tell me why it is that everytime I kiss your daughter I get a mouth full of white rice?" The farmer says, "That's easy. My daughter's been dead for six days." ******************************************************************************** Q. What's black and runs on electricity ? A. Michael Watson ******************************************************************************** Q: What's the worst thing about having a heart/lung transplant? A: Coughing up someone else's phlemb. ******************************************************************************** One day a man (or a woman if you want it that way) arrives at the gate of hell. Of course the pour sool gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms. The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. "Let's go to the next room", the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer." The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr Diabolo!". The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dogshit to their knees a group of people is drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclames," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!". As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a wile a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: "Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !" ******************************************************************************** A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100". One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." And it was. She won the case ................... Private Weston was staitioned in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel. Like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I toldya if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak the sergeant yells,"Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later. A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a shower. "daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia. "oh, erm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarressingly replied. "well it's got hell of a big dick", she snapped back. A cab driver pulls up to the curb and picks up a nun. Its a fairly long drive to the nun's destination, and having run out of small talk the cabbie is at a loss of words. After a noticible silence, the cabbie speaks up. "You know sister, I've got this weird fantasy." "And what might that be?" "Well you see, I've always wanted to make it with a nun in the back seat of my cab" After this remark, there is silence in the cab again. And a few minutes later the nun speaks up. "I must also confess, that I have had fantasies about making it with a cab driver in a cab." After hearing this the cabbie decides to pull into an alley for some action. But before they could do anything the nun asks him to promise her two things. First he had to promise her that he wasn't married to avoid adultry. "I promise I'm not married." Next he had to promise to enter her in the rear to retain her virginity. And the cabbie agreed to those terms also. After all was said and done, they dressed and proceeded to the destination. Just as the nun was exiting the cab, the cab driver called out and said, "I have a confession to make... I'm married. Will you forgive me for lying?" To which the nun replies "Yeah I think I can, oh, I too have a confession to make. My name is Bob, and I'm on my way to a costume party!" A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks "Is anyone here a doctor?". One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says "I'm a doctor, what can i help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee" "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well first of all, your stance is too wide...." Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes ... you're fucking crackers. "A farmer woke up one morning to find that his rooster had died while cock-a-doodle-dooing one morning. So he went to the local market a few miles away and was sold a real randy rooster by the local dealers. He had been told that this one was so hot it would f**k anything that moved. The farmer went home with his new rooster, and true to form the rooster was caught wanking in the back of the van. Feeling very pleased with himself he put the rooster in question in his farm yard and soon enough it was poking everything insight: chickens, pigs, horses and even the farmer's wife. The next morning the farmer woke up as usual and looked out of the window to find his newly acquired rooster lying motionless on the floor. He ran out of the house to investigate and was about to inspect the rooster when it turned around and told him: "F**k off I'm waiting for the vultures!!!!!" A Tourist is lost in the vast plains of Australia. He asks a farmer for shelter. The farmer agrees to let him sleep in the animal shed. Next day the Tourist tells the farmer - You have great animals in there! they can talk. The farmer says What ! I don't believe it. The Tourist calls the Horse and tells it to say something. The horse says " The farmer treats me well" The tourist says " Well you know your pig can talk too" The farmer is really amazed. The Tourist calls the pig and the pig tells something about the weather. The tourist then says " Your sheep too can talk " The farmer cries out immediately " He is a liar . Don't believe him." A Martian couple landed on the earth. The emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat. The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said "Do you two swing?" The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity. After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?" She replied, "Well--now that you mention it, I would like it a little longer." He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?" "One notch more" said the woman. Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?" She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once. The woman said "That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away. The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said "how was it for you?" The wife replied, "Super! How about you?" The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted my ears off!" Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!' Why did the leper fail his driving test? Because he left his foot on the accelerator........ A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!" A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first blow job, so give me a double wiskey." So he drank it straight down. He then ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then another 2 again... The barman asked, "you sure you've had enough?" The man replied, "just enough to take the taste away." Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any elligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria: 1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband) 2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband) AND 3. The man was good in bed. The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied: 1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you. 2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you. Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad." The main in the wheelchair asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" An Indian brave came up to his chief. "Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give." "Mmmmm. When your cousin was born...I look across and see deer leaping in field. I name her `DearLeapingInField'. When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying over. I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this, TWODOGSFUCKING." I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she would have to make cutbacks... Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the gardener. There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman. All guys were discussing their cars etc. The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it pers like a cat." The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it slices the air while it drives." Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris" The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !" A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner (who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on... Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white boy bossman, whyha do this bossman? Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do, it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens. Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife... Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black one, it happens... Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the sheep... There were these 3 Ag Science students driving along this old farm road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked on the farmers door. The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"? The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try". About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about his business. About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm, knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time? Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk? Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my milkweeds". Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused, but just a little less skeptical. It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows. Needless to say the farmer went with them.